Does it get easier?
Solihull Doula • 13 March 2021
A message of hope to tired parents
Yesterday I met with a lovely group of women with their fairly new babies and some with toddlers in tow too. Firstly, I expressed my congratulations that they’d actually all made it out of the house for a specific time (something I never achieved with small people and still rarely do now!) The conversation quickly turned to me and whether I had children. Explaining that I have a 7 year old and 5 year old who are currently at school, they were quick to ask ‘does it get better?’
Put on the spot and thinking about my daily challenges, I paused and was a bit noncommittal, not wanting to alarm these sleep-deprived new parents. However, as I have reflected on my parenting journey over the last 24-hours, I can say with positivity and certainty, that yes, it does get better.
Do I still clean up poo? Yes.
Do I still make all the meals? Yes.
Do I still get sleepless nights? Yes.
Do I still get little me time? Yes.
However, the urgency and frequency of all these caring responsibilities has been diminished, meaning the experience has gradually got less intense. Also, the kids are more self-sufficient. Plus the opportunity to have time to myself has enlarged exponentially with both children now being in school (under normal circumstances of course!) But it has happened so slowly that I hadn’t really taken in the full extent of how far I have come.
I no longer need to plan my day around nap times and feeds, have to take bottles, snacks, dummies, muslins, change of clothes (for me and them), and nappy bags with me everywhere we go. A drink and coat usually suffice. I don’t co-sleep or lay on cold bedroom floors holding little hands as they drop off but occasionally one will sneak in during the night. I don’t feel touched out or sore nippled. I would no longer sell my kidney for a lay in. They are not by my side every waking moment of every day. Yes there are still challenging days but I have most importantly been able to gain a bit of myself back - I read, run my business around my family and get to meet up with friends from time-to-time. That, and more uninterrupted sleep make everything else seem okay.
So for now tired parents, accept all the offers of help you can for food prep, house work and babysitting. Where you can afford to, get a cleaner, hire a postnatal Doula, buy some prepared food. When you can, put your feet up instead of doing a pile of washing. Get some fresh air everyday if you can (even if you just put your coat on over your 3-day old t-shirt with the milk stains on). Let your standards slide where you can’t do it all. Take all the opportunities to snuggle up and sleep next to your sleeping baby. Even on the days that it feels like you’re not achieving anything or you haven’t got anything done, you are doing the most important work of all - showing up and loving your child, feeding them and keeping them safe. That’s all you need to do right now. The rest is a bonus that maybe you’ll achieve some days. And believe me when I say, it does absolutely get better.
Melanie
You’ve prepared for birth, but what about your emotional and physical transition into motherhood? Here’s some tips to help you plan and recover; Rest and take things slowly Rest is essential in the early days. Lie down as much as possible to support healing. When ready, start gentle walks, stretching, or postpartum yoga. Listen to your body and your intuition, not what society expects of you. In an ideal world, in these very early days, your job is just to look after your new baby/s – it’s everyone else’s job to look after you, your home and any older children. Make a list of jobs around the house that you would be happy to let someone else help with and stick it on your fridge. Then, if anyone comes over and offers some help, you can ask them to pick something off the list. Doula tip: Try the ‘5-5-5 Rule’—rest in bed for 5 days, then sit on the bed for 5 days, and finally stay near the bed for 5 days. Staying in your pyjamas and close to your bed reminds you to take it steady, and any visitors that you’re recovering and not available for long visits. It helps if you can plan for this level of rest and support prior to birth. Talk to partners, friends, and family about how they can support you. You could also look into employing a postnatal doula to help you meet your needs on your terms. Nourish Your Body Eat warm, nutrient-rich foods like proteins, leafy greens, and whole grains. Stay hydrated, especially if breastfeeding and in warmer weather. Breastfeeding also burns extra calories, so keeps some nutritious snacks handy for those long cluster feeds when you can’t get up to eat. Keep taking a good quality multivitamin and iron supplement – your antenatal vitamins are usually still okay to continue taking once you’ve given birth if you have some to use up. Doula tip: More families are turning towards Nesting Parties whist pregnant, which blends a Western style baby shower, with useful tasks such as preparing meals for the freezer, getting your home ready for baby, and sharing postpartum wisdom. Embrace Holistic Practices Try a gentle postnatal massage, aromatherapy, or homeopathy. These are a great baby shower gift for those who want to treat you rather than baby. For an easy DIY home treatment, add a few drops of lavender essential oil to some Epsom bath salts. Pour a generous amount into your bath to help with sleep, pain relief, healing of the perineum, and relaxation of your muscles and mind. Doula tip: Look for a service called ‘Closing The Bones’ in your area. This is a massage and post birth ritual that some Doulas offer. Based on Mexican traditions, it can offer a blend of body work, birth debriefing and honouring the transition you’ve been through. It can be offered at many stages of life including postnatally, when going through pregnancy loss or during menopause. Professional Support In the early days, contact your GP or midwife if you notice any concerning symptoms such as excessive bleeding, high temperature or unusual mood. Midwifes are usually still available to families in the first couple of weeks for any post-birth queries. If you experience bladder leaking or discomfort, consult a pelvic floor physiotherapist. There are private providers available or you can ask your GP. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, many areas have regular, free peer support groups. Theres a free 24-hour National Breastfeeding Helpline; 0300 100 0212, which might be a good place to start if you’re unsure about services in your area. Don’t underestimate the support you might need when you decide to stop breastfeeding, or the feelings you might have if you’re struggling to breastfeed. Depending on how you feel your birth went, you may have thoughts and emotions that you need to process. Some families find requesting their hospital notes or a birth debrief with the hospital or a Doula, helpful. For others, talking therapy is an option. There are also specialist postnatal mental health services available for the first 12 months after birth for low mood – ask your GP for a referral to your nearest perinatal mental health service. Whatever the issue, please don’t be afraid to reach out. Doula tip: It’s a great idea to put together a list of support groups and organisations in your area before you give birth, so you have them handy if you need them. Remember: Your Recovery Is Your Own There’s no set timeline postpartum recovery – it is more of a growing process than a return to how you were before. Wherever you are in your postpartum journey, accept all the support you can, and remember to be kind to yourself. Link to the article posted on the Gymboree website: https://gymbo.co.uk/news/solihull/solihull-doulas-top-tips-for-postpartum-recovery/
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